Who really suffers?

ef0af-the2bgame2bof2bchild2bcustodyIn a divorce, emotions run high. You are making the conscious decision to leave the person you swore to spend the rest of your life with. Irrespective of the reason for the divorce, this was the man/woman you had chosen to commit your life to. “in sickness and in health….for richer or for poor…. TILL DEATH DO US PART”. So why now has incompatibility become the equivalent of death? Well so far, I’ve witnessed, infidelity, abuse and poverty result in incompatibility between “soul mates”.

I often get the “older generation” telling me, they are from the old school, where if something is broken, they try to fix it and not just toss it out. Is this really what we do now?  The simple answer is yes. I have noticed an ever growing trend of divorces, where the length of marriage is under 10 years. Well, they were no longer in love, so its “ok”. luckily they found out early and didn’t waste their life with someone they didn’t want. All excellent points, but…. what about the 7 year old who has just started school.

The simple reality of the matter is that divorce is difficult for an adult mind to comprehend, but almost impossible for a little one. Kids panic when faced with a new challenge, and the problem with many “messy” divorces is that the kids are placed squarely in the middle. Not only do they see their parents fighting all the time, but they are often feel they are the “reason” for the fight.AFLA - Causes 2 - 2015

Get the help you need bio mom - 2015

Children learn by imitation. They do what they see and not what they are told. So trying to comfort them after a nasty argument has just happened, is good, but effectively pointless.

My advise, don’t argue in front of your kids. A divorce is painful enough, why some people seek to prolong the effects are beyond me. Today, there are much better options available so that your divorce is as quick and places the least amount of impact on those involved. Get a mediator, seek counselling, most of all, choose an attorney that wants to help you get divorced, and is not just looking to make a fee.

 

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On Fathers and Their Importance

A famous baseball player, Harmon Killebrew, is credited with saying, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising [children].” This story sheds light on what some experts say is an important difference between mothers and fathers. Dr. Kyle Pruett, an author and professor of child psychiatry at Yale University, writes, “Fathers do not mother, they father…Fathers tend to do things differently.” Both parenting approaches are important in raising healthy, productive children in safe and stable environments. 

group_of_children_-_child_abuse_post_april_2015

The FRIENDS National Center on Community-Based Child Abuse Prevention (CBCAP) provides training and technical assistance to CBCAP State Lead Agencies (SLAs) in every state, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. CBCAP is a federally funded program managed by the Children’s Bureau within the Administration for Children and Families. This community of federal, state, and local programs aims to reduce child abuse including neglect through evidence-based and evidence-informed programs.

Many populations are targeted and strategies are typically based on building protective factors within individuals, families, and communities. These protective factors include

  • building social and emotional competence in children
  • building resiliency in parents
  • supporting families in need of concrete support
  • helping parents make social connections
  • increasing knowledge of parenting and child development

While the presence of a father in the home has decreased substantially in the last forty years, CBCAP-funded programs know there are many ways to engage fathers who may not be living with their children, and help fathers who are disconnected become reconnected with their children.facebook.com/ParentalAlienationMiamiFlorida

When this is not possible, other men become even more important in the lives of children as healthy male role models. These men may be uncles, grandfathers, neighbors, teachers, coaches, and many others. Research indicates father involvement promotes better outcomes for children including increases in

  • self-esteem
  • grades
  • overall academic achievement
  • empathy
  • pro-social behavior
  • lower levels of alcohol and drug use
  • and other high-risk activities  

The field is learning more each year about the importance of both fathers and mothers in children’s lives.STAND UP FOR ZORAYA - BE ABOUT I - 2016

Sam Blue from St. Louis Missouri serves on FRIENDS National Center Parent Advisory Council (PAC) and is a family engagement specialist with Project Launch.

Mr. Blue’s Perspective on the Diversity of Fatherhood

My name is Sam Blue. I am thankful for my wife of 25 years and 9 children. I have 7 daughters, and 2 sons. My children all have unique and different personalities. I’ve learned to appreciate and value diversity through my children. I have daughters that are outgoing, strategic minded, funny, risk-takers, studious, Hollywood quality, and creative. While one son is gifted with music the other brings a curious and adventurous spirit to everything he does. As a community engagement specialist for Project LAUNCH, I’ve learned to appreciate and value diversity in fathers as well. I work with fathers with cultural differences, racial differences, different employment statuses, and all levels of income. Amongst all of the differences, the fathers are each still looking for effective ways for them to grow in their fatherhood.

I’ve learned to appreciate and value the diversity of my children and the many different fathers I work with. I’ve learned to be open-minded, and to celebrate the diversity of fathers and their children.

Resources

For specific resources on engaging fathers’ and their importance in the lives of children, please visit the FRIENDS’ website http://www.friendsnrc.org.

Whether a father teaches his children to cook, sew, pitch a ball, or work productively, we know what he brings to the table cannot be easily dismissed. A parent and participant on a FRIENDS’ Peer Learning Call once said, ‘Mothers prepare the world for their child, while fathers prepare their child for the world.’ Not many could argue that both types of preparation are critical to growing up healthy and productive in a challenging world.

The balance of having someone help pave the way for you in the world, and being taught how to manage one’s place in the world as it is, is something a baseball player, a parent, and many experts agree on, and is best taught by a mother (or mother-figure) and a father (or father-figure).

Resources from NFI

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month > NFI understands the importance of training fathers to be involved because dads are vital to their child’s lives. We recommend two resources, Creating a Safe Home for Your Family and Understanding Domestic Violence Workshop to help the fathers and families you serve.

The Father Factor Blog

Posted by Valerie Spiva Collins  —  Valerie Spiva Collins is the Training and Technical Assistance Supervisor for the FRIENDS National Center on CBCAP. Sam Blue is a member of FRIENDS National Parent Advisory Council, a community engagement specialist for Project LAUNCH in Missouri and a supportive husband of 24 years and loving father of 9 children.

Daughter and dad - 2015
The Journal of Father-Daughter Communications – Guiding a Girl’s First Steps Toward Womanhood About Them – The Journal of Father-Daughter Communications reports on the great work being done in the global community, with regard to Fatherhood and the Father-Daughter relationship dynamics. Utilizing…

Divorce Law ZA

In a divorce, emotions run high. You are making the conscious decision to leave the person you swore to spend the rest of your life with. Irrespective of the reason for the divorce, this was the man/woman you had chosen to commit your life to. “in sickness and in health….for richer or for poor…. TILL DEATH DO US PART”. So why now has incompatibility become the equivalent of death? Well so far, I’ve witnessed, infidelity, abuse and poverty result in incompatibility between “soul mates”. I often get the “older generation” telling me, they are from the old school, where if something is broken, they try to fix it and not just toss it out. Is this really what we do now?  The simple answer is yes. I have noticed an ever growing trend of divorces, where the length of marriage is under 10 years. Well, they were no longer in love, so its “ok”. luckily…

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5 thoughts on “Who really suffers?

  1. The father’s rights movement isn’t an anti-mom or anti-woman movement; it’s an anti-unfairness movement. Our aim is to champion the cause of equal parenting, family law reform and equal contact for divorced/separated parents with their children. The fathers’ rights movement is a movement whose members are primarily interested in issues related to family law, including child custody and child support that affect fathers and their children. Many of its members are fathers who desire to share the parenting of their children equally with their children’s mother—either after divorce or as unwed fathers, and the children of the terminated marriage. The movement includes women as well as men, often the second wives of divorced fathers or other family members of men who have had some engagement with family law. Most of the members of the fathers’ rights movement had little prior interest in the law or politics. However, as they felt that their goal of equal shared parenting was being frustrated by the family courts, many took an interest in family law, including child custody and child support.  http://www.iloveandneedmydaughter.blogspot.com/2013/04/reckless-disregard-true-and-compelling.html

    Nothing in this message or the group’s archives should be considered legal advice. We provide to the general public and our website visitors information as a means to further their online legal research. All posted articles and any answers provided are merely suggestions and should not be regarded as legal advice. Please consult an attorney for that stuff because they claim to know these things and will happily charge you a lot of money for sharing their knowledge and experience.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Children thrive with the active involvement of both parents. Children and parents should be encouraged to spend substantial time with each other regardless of the parents’ present relationship status. I realize and recognize that absent issues of abuse, neglect or abandonment, social and government policy must be structured in such a way as to promote and maximize the opportunity of all parents to contribute to the social, emotional, intellectual, physical, moral and spiritual development of their children. https://childrensrightsflorida.wordpress.com/2011/01

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Judges often decide cases this way even though there is no legal or mental health basis for it. More than three dozen studies over the past 20 years have found that when both parents are loving and competent, which is the case most of the time, a shared parenting arrangement — with joint decision making and near-equal parenting time — provide the best outcomes for their children. This myth seems to have arisen from a legal presumption called the “approximation rule,” which was proposed more than 20 years ago and eventually rejected. Nonetheless, many lawyers, psychologists and judges still follow it because of its superficial neutrality and simplicity. Like many simplistic solutions, however, it’s simply wrong. http://www.brigade.com/positions/16522?request_id=3386191

    A term many have heard when they participate in our legal system in the US. On this page one can explore some thoughts on the phrase “Best Interest of the Child” Also included is a movie from Lifetime titled “Best Interest of the Children” (1992). Has this phrase always been part of our legal system?

    Here are the basic philosophies that, depending on the nation, history, etc. that have been and/or currently being used: http://www.causes.com/causes/409526/updates/958731

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