We’ve all heard of the term “Baptism by Fire” but, I wonder how many have ever considered its meaning. In the Christian biblical sense, it essentially means that it is a baptism by the spirit and the trial of one’s faith. This means that a believer’s faith is tested or tried through some sort of difficulty or a series of mental and physical trials.
However, this meaning has largely been replaced and the meaning most often used according to the definition used by the Oxford dictionary is, ‘a difficult introduction to a new job or activity’. One example of this is of a soldier’s first experience of battle. ‘Baptism’ because battle is new to him and ‘fire’ from the firing of guns that is, he is ‘under fire’.
When we look at both explanations, we can actually see similarities that can be equated to the tests of which we face through the struggles in the alienation of our children. This is when we are tested in our faith that we will be reunited with our children. The other aspect of this, is that alienation is new to us and how we respond to the many obstacles is critical.
There is no current legal recourse for a litigant parent or civil rights attorney who exposes misconduct in our courts. The Supreme Court has granted judges absolute immunity and has rejected every petition to date which seeks whistleblower protection in our third branch of government By Dr. Leon Koziol
Parenting Rights Institute
Our Top 10 Corrupt Judge series has become a big hit. Now as Donald Trump contemplates his pick for the long vacant ninth seat on our Supreme Court, we want to assure that the corrupt judges here hit the park bench and not any other kind of bench.
This is the third of a three-part series we call “Turkey Trilogy,” designed to protect all litigants from corrupt judges. You should subscribe to our Parenting Rights Institute if you have any case in any court impacting your children.
With all our uncompensated work exposing court corruption over the years…
Following the 2009 in vitro-assisted birth of Gus, a very public legal argument broke out between mother Danielle Schreiber and her former boyfriend and the child’s sperm donor, Jason Patric. Patric, a well-known actor who starred in films such as The Lost Boys and Speed 2: Cruise Control, petitioned for parental rights, arguing that he and Schreiber had been partners for years, and that he had every intention of fathering the child. He says he kept his name off the birth certificate to protect Gus from media attention.
Schreiber, citing section 7613(b) of California’s Family Code, maintains that as a sperm donor, and with no written agreement to the contrary in place before the child’s birth, Patric does not have any parental rights. In addition, Schreiber, through her lawyers, tells Newsweek that she and Patric never agreed to be co-parents, and that Patric never showed any intent of wanting to be the child’s father.
A 29-page letter written sent by Patric in late 2008 or early 2009 to Schreiber portrays a tortured man who ultimately says he’s not ready for fatherhood, but would act as a sperm donor as a “gift” to the woman he had loved, as long as she kept it a secret.
The trial court sided with Schreiber, awarding her full custody of Gus. A Domestic Violence Restraining Order was also issued against Patric by the trial court on November 25, 2013; in an email to Newsweek Schreiber’s legal team says this was in response to past instances of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse (including anti-Semitic remarks) levied by Patric towards Schreiber.
OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network is looking for dads who cannot see their kid after divorce. If you are interested please fill out the form–this initiative has nothing to do with Erasing Family so please contact them with any questions. Best of luck!
I don’t know if this is an appropriate post for this group, and I know I am not a Father, or a man – I just felt inclined to write something from the perspective of a child – that has seen a father, my father, go through what so many of you are going through.
I know I can never fully fathom what my Father had went through, let alone the pain that is in all of your hearts, after being separated from your children – it’s absolutely devastating, and sickening that Mothers can turn so manipulative and mean, and cause so much pain, using children as a manipulation tactic against you. I know even after all of my Father’s rights were taken away (literally, from weekend visits, to supervised visits) because my Mother, like many of your ex’s lied to the court system, and completely eradicated any rights he did have.
My father once fought to the extremity to just even see us, call us, talk to us for five minutes on the phone, and it makes me so sad to know how much time had been wasted, not being able to even connect with my Father. With that being said there is hope, and this is what this comment was about. I know usually it does not come granted through the court system, since it’s completely biased, and one sided, but there is hope.
Never give up, because your children, everyday, think about you. Miss you, love you, and you are in their hearts and you will forever have a place there, there is nothing in this world that could replace you, you are planted there, like a tree, with roots of love that will never be eradicated by any court system, any manipulative mother, any lies, distance or time. I know there wasn’t a day that didn’t go by I didn’t think about my Father, and despite how I was deluded at a young age into believing my Father had neglected me, and abandoned me, i came to the realization the only person who lied to me was, of course, my Mother.
Through the pain, I still carried him with me in my heart, and everything that I am now, is because of the influence of my father – the memories I carried through out the years of him, the times we had together, most of my memories are tinged with him. I know this doesn’t change any of your situations. I don’t even know if this is appropriate. Just a comment of encouragement, reminding you all, that in all of your children’s heart, you are there – and you take up the vast majority. Despite your ex’s manipulative tactics, despite everything that has happened, despite the distance and time that goes by. You are there. In their hearts, and they will grow up and come to the realization, just how great of Fathers you all are. They will perceive further than the lies that their mothers have cast out, and when the courts or their Mothers have no hold on them anymore, they will find a way back to you.
Never give up – you are their light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how hard and how painful it is – and trust me, seeing how broken my father was, I have an idea of how hard it truly is, how much pain emitted from him. Again I cannot truly understand. I just wanted to tell you all, in case you were on the verge of giving up, or thinking that it’s too late, or that the mothers have completely brainwashed them. From the eyes of a child who saw this happen to my Father, just know. You are in our hearts, forever and always.
You can help make a film to reunite families #erased by divorce courts. Donate at www.erasingfamily.org a donation of more than $50 gets a dedication to your kids or a thank you in the credits of Erasing Family
Help David Inguanzo find a Qualified Monitor (LMFT, LCSW, or Dr. of Psych, etc.) to facilitate “Supervised Visitation” with his daughter Zoraya. WE WILL PAY FOR THE SERVICES~~> If you can help please call Stuart Abramson at (305) 270-7796 – Reference Case No. 2008-029595 – FC 17~~>
…it is often the case that the child will be elevated to a position of power within the fractured family system. This position of power, is often equal to that of the parent who is angry, who upholds the child’s ‘right’ to do as he or she pleases. Parents who are in this position will often speak about their children being ‘more emotionally aware’ than they are and will tell you and others that they are only being guided by their children because if their children say something is wrong then that must be the truth. This is a very dangerous position for a child, who should not be wielding decision making power at the top of what is called the ‘attachment hierarchy.’ To be in control of the broken family system in this way is, in fact, extremely damaging to children over time.
A healthy attachment hierarchy is when two parents, in relationship together, share the decision making and guiding power that runs a well functioning family. Contained within this hierarchy, children know that their parents are in charge and that they, as children, do not need to do anything other than concentrate on their own developing selves. When families separate however, the sharing of the decision making and guiding power often breaks down, creating a space in which the children themselves become elevated to the top of the hierarchy, often sharing power and decision making with the parent they now live with on a daily basis. The other parent in this scenario is pushed to the outer margins of the family system and quite often begins to be viewed by the parent and child as being unnecessary in daily life.
Children who are at the top of the broken family hierarchy are placed in a position of risk. Children should not hold the same level of decision making power as a parent, the role of a parent is to be the guide and decision maker in a child’s life, gradually handing over the reins to the developing young adult.
When children are taken by a parent into a fused dyad in this way, they are often what is called ‘spousified’ which simply means that they have replaced the role of spouse in the parents life or they are ‘parentified’ which means that they are taking care of the emotional needs of a parent and not the other way around. Both of these corrupted roles within a family system are damaging to children and are signs that the attachment hierarchy is broken and harmful to the child involved. When a child is in one of these positions, they can very quickly become extremely difficult to handle when with the other parent as they refuse to recognize that parent’s validity in their lives and actively fight them for the decision making power.
A child in this position will often –
Use sarcastic statements when with you.
Try to undermine everything that you say.
Refuse to come with you when you turn up to collect them.
Tell you that you are no good, that you don’t do anything right
Demand to be taken home to their ‘real’ parent
Blow hot and cold, they may drop their defiance for a while only to pick it up again when its time to leave
Make false allegations against you
Remain silent in your company
The end game in an alienation process is when the children simply refuse to make the transition to you. This is often the result of a ‘trigger’ event which enables the child to justify complete withdrawal. A trigger event can be engineered by a child who is in this elevated position and many children will push continuously to try and create this just so that they can ‘decide’ to completely withdraw. It is important to remember at all times, however, that trigger events, just like the behaviours that the child is displaying are unconsciously driven by the child who is using the only coping mechanism available to them. Children in these circumstances are extraordinarily vulnerable, they are hurting inside, they are psychologically harmed and they are doing whatever they can to survive. All targeted parents MUST, at all times, keep in mind that their children would not behave like this if the pressure upon them did not force them to do so. With that in mind, target parents can assist their children to avoid the trigger event by following these golden rules.
When a child is in an elevated position of power and is displaying the symptoms above you must:
Not try to reason with them, they are not in a position to listen
Not try to use logic, there is nothing logical about what is happening to them
Remain patient, calm and collected, do not become angry and feed their self righteousness, it only pushes you into the trap set for you by the other parent.
Develop a thick skin, your child is in a vulnerable psychological state, you can help if you let their commentary about you flow by you without reacting.
Be firm as much as you possibly can but avoid scenes which could become the trigger event your child is unconsciously seeking. Remember, they want you to confirm for them why you are the bad person they have been told you are. You must avoid that at all costs.
UsetThe most powerful tool in your toolbox which is empathy
Children in this vulnerable position want you to confirm for them their desire to reject you. Their desire to reject you is born of trying to cope with the terrible pressure placed upon them by the anger and unresolved frustration and the conscious or unconscious determination of the other parent to evict you. If you fall into the trap of confirming for your children why they should reject you by, for example, being drawn into arguments, by shouting at them, by becoming angry at their unreasonable behaviour or other such scenarios, you will unwittingly give them the justification they are seeking to withdraw.
Empathic understanding and the ability to empathically respond to their behaviour will protect them and you from arriving at that trigger point.
Empathy is the ability to ‘walk a mile in someone else’s shoes’ to step into their world and see things from their perspective. To walk a mile in your children’s shoes when they are in this position is the most powerful thing that you can do, for yourself and for them.
Walking a mile in alienated children’s shoes
Terri was six years old when her parents separated, she can remember the day very well that her father told her that he was leaving. He asked her if she was alright, far from being alright, Terri felt as if her world was spinning out of control. She watched him carry his bags to the car, after that night all she could hear was her mother crying and alternatively raging about her father. Her hurt and pain about losing him became thoroughly mixed up with her mother’s all encompassing rage.
For short while she saw her father every weekend but each time she did so her mother would come crashing into the time with complaints, demands, tears and shouting. terri began to feel that she didn’t know her father anymore and felt that he was the cause of all this chaos.
Back home with her mother, Terri began to hear that her father was not a very nice man, that he had done this and done that in the marriage to her mother and that he was pretty much worthless as a father too. Together, as Terri grew up, she and her mother shared all sorts of good times together, cosy times, nice times. In the middle of this was a sense that it was she and her mother against the world.
When Terri reached eight years old she felt that she was big enough to take on her father and stand up to him. After all, her mother hadn’t been able to but she would show her mother how it was possible. She would make her mother proud and safe again by rescuing her from her father. Terri began to tell her father how bad he was and ‘stand up’ to him and ‘put him straight.’ Terri’s father, on seeing his daughter becoming more and more defiant against him spoke to her mother about it who told him that his daughter was ‘twice the man that he would ever be’ and praised and thanked Terri for doing what she had been unable to do. Terri’s father, increasingly shocked by his daughter’s behaviour, took to trying to reason with her and be logical, he told her she was being poisoned against him by her mother and that she was brainwashed and alienated. Terri didn’t know what that meant but she did know that her father was turning out to be everything her mother said he was, mean and shouty and angry with her.
The mistakes that rejected parents make
Terri’s dad fell into the trap set for him by Terri’s mum. Not knowing that his daughter and her mother were in a fused dyad in coalition against him, when Terri began to show the signs of this he went straight to the source of the problem and demanded that her mother share decision making power with him again to try and bring Terri back into the role of a child in his life. Terri’s mother however, had elevated her daughter to the role of replacement spouse in her life, using her as a confidante, friend and comforter. The only thing that Terri’s mother could do was uphold that position when challenged by Terri’s father. Role corruption in this family system was well established.
If Terri’s father had known about how alienation arises he would have been equipped to deal with it in a smarter way. Simply using the word alienation and knowing that it is happening is not enough, target parents must know how alienation arises, how it progresses and how to react when it is clear it is happening. The most powerful tool to use against alienation is empathy. If your child is behaving in ways that seem like an alienation reaction to you, your first task is to step into your child’s shoes and see the world through their eyes. Walk a mile in those shoes and understand the way in which your child perceives what happened in the separation, the kinds of behaviours in the other parent that your child is being subjected to and the ways in which your child is acting in the only way he or she knows how in such difficult and painful circumstances.
Children do not want to reject their parents, its not in their nature to say I choose this one or that one. Children who reject are in a vulnerable place and if you are the target parent your role from now on is to understand, as much as possible, the pressures placed upon your child. When you do understand that, from your child’s perspective, you are in the place where you can really start work on interrupting what is happening.
Remember, empathy, its not about your experience its about theirs. Its not about what is happening in your world, its about what is happening in theirs. Its not about you feeling good, its about making them feel good.
You are not powerless as a targeted parent. When you have walked a mile in your children’s shoes you are ready to begin the process of using empathic responding to disarm your child and change their perspective. When you do this you actively interrupt the messages they have been given about you. When you interrupt those messages, you are acting against alienation. Equipped with the right knowledge and the right tools you can make a difference to what is happening to your child.
One of the most painful experiences for targeted parents is when the alienation process begins to escalate and children begin to become difficult, challenging and sometimes downright obnoxious.
We may not be familiar with the child who is overly empowered within what is called a ‘fused dyad’ with the other parent and so when that behaviour appears it can seem almost as if your child has turned into someone else. Some parents liken it to their child being possessed, others worry that their child is mentally unwell. Understanding what has happened and why is a very important step to learning how to deal with it.
In an alienation scenario, when one parent is angry or holds unresolved frustrations or is quite simply determined to drive the other out of a child’s life, it is often the case that the child will be elevated to a position of power within the…
Award-Winning and Prize-Winning Author of Access Denied, The Wretched, The Roots of Evil, The Ghost of Clothes, Omonolidee, First Words and Unzipped: The Mind of a Madman, The Deeper Roots of Evil, along with numerous short stories, poems and articles.